The Inaugural All Caucasian-American NBA Team

The days of Larry Bird are long gone, however the NBA still has a handful of players who are both white and from America. These players routinely thrill fans with mid-range jump shots and gritty defense. This list would be greatly enhanced of players from all of North America qualified, but Canada's Steve Nash and Mexico's Eduardo Najera are technically international players and not eligible. And before you start to wonder, Jason Kidd is also ineligible for biological reasons. Besides, he might not even be good enough to make this prestigious squad.

First-Team All Caucasian-American

Kirk Hinrich, G Chicago Bulls-Appeared on track to be an All-Star two seasons ago before injuries and inconsistent play caused the Bulls to draft budding superstar Derrick Rose. Cursed with point guard size but primarily shooting guard skills.

Mike Miller, G Minnesota T'Wolves-The South Dakota native was certainly capable of lighting it up from outside prior to growing his hair out like a fool. He is aging and his best years are probably behind him. Think Brent Barry version 2.0.

Mike Dunleavy, F Indiana Pacers-Actually a pretty good player now that he has bulked up (sort of) and matured. Has a good all-around skills and could be an All-Star if he played more aggressively. Tattoos and a shaved head to transform his appearance from British royalty to ass-beater would probably improve his game.

Brad Miller, F Sacramento Kings-The essence of the All-Caucasian team; slow, unatheletic but possesses a nice offensive game highlighted by mid-range jump shot. Just really, really slow.

Jeff Foster, C Indiana Pacers-A solid rebounder and defender who has been a steady player for a number of seasons now. Very unexciting to watch play.

Honorary Captain-The captain of the Caucasian-American team is expected to organize and lead the team, much like the role of the captain in golf's Ryder Cup. T'Wolves F Mark Madsen is an inspirational figure with terrific dance skills and limited basketball abilities.

Second Team All Caucasian-American

Steve Blake, G Portland Trail Blazers-An average player in college has worked his way to having a long NBA career. Looks like a guy who would be best suited to bagging groceries, but he is a smart point guard who will take care of the ball. If only he had more talent.

Luke Ridnour, G Milwaukee Bucks-The numbers alone give the former Oregon star this prestigious spot, even though the numbers are not very impressive. Ridnour is a good passer with little speed and quickness and a severely broke jump shot. Perhaps as a result of heavy drug use while in college, current Bucks head coach and former great Caucasian-American G Scott Skiles believes that Ridnour is better than fellow Bucks G Ramon Sessions. Go figure.

Troy Murphy, F/C Indiana Pacers-Murphy is more orange and bronze than white, so he falls to the second team. A good rebounder and capable scorer, he loves to shoot threes (and miss threes) and is very inconsistent. Less time spent in the tanning bed and more time spent working on his jump shooting could propel Murphy to a spot on the first team.

Kevin Love, F Minnesota T'Wolves-Already one of the best outlet passers in the game, Love has been compared to a young Kevin McHale...By Kevin McHale and nobody else. McHale happens to be the T'Wolves GM who traded O.J. Mayo to acquire Love, Mike Miller, and (gasp) Brian Cardinal. Although Love will probably not put up numbers like McHale, he will likely have a more productive NBA career than either Cardinal or Mark Madsen.

Spencer Hawes, C Sacramento Kings-Hawes has rebounded from a disappointing rookie campaign to post solid numbers early this season. At just 20 years of age, Hawes has a terrific upside and will likely be an All-Star in the future. It is up to Spencer Hawes to bring back the shiny luster of the caucasian-American NBA player.

Dishonorable Mention

The following players have been chosen because they have made a mockery of what it means to be a caucasian NBA player.

Brent Barry, G Houston Rockets-"Bones" wowed fans across the globe as he soared to the championship in the 1996 Slam Dunk Contest. Although a very talented player with excellent size and passing ability, Barry never reached his potential in the NBA. The feisty veteran is in his 13th season and still delights fans with an occasional three-pointer.

J.J. Redick, G Duke-Redick should still play for Duke. Overcoming limited quickness and size, he became almost completely unstoppable by his senior season. Then came the NBA. End of story.

Adam Morrison, F Gonzaga-Crustache man was less unstoppable than Redick in college, but still good enough to draw comparisons to Larry Bird. After missing all of last season, Morrison has finally cracked the Bobcats' rotation. Has the size and shooting ability to contribute in the NBA, but will probably never live up to expectations.

Brian Cardinal, F Minnesota T' Wolves-Memphis GM Jerry West felt that Cardinal's knee pads and "offensive ability" warranted a 7 year, 45 million dollar contract. Yikes. Cardinal has career averages of 6 points and 3 rebounds. Did Jerry West really draft Kobe?

Austin Croshere, C Milwaukee Bucks-A bit undersized to play center, but he has to make the team somehow. The Pacers signed Croshere to a 7 year, 51 million dollar contract extension following an excellent performance in the 2000 NBA finals against the Lakers. The former Providence star cashed in his chips and road the bench before being traded to Golden State. Somehow, he is still in the NBA.